Well, I smoked today. I played with the idea a few different times today and then I bought a pack and smoked. I even bought more patches before I bought the cigarettes. Feeling craptastic about it at the moment. I think that’s the worst part about smoking, about being addicted, is the powerlessness I feel. The self loathing when I don’t succeed at quitting. The gazillion times I’ve been so ready to quit until I don’t have any cigarettes, and don’t even make it 24 hours before I give in...it’s such a defeating deflating feeling when I end up smoking again, which of course keeps me smoking. Ugh. I hate being a slave to nicotine. I am at that point where I can’t stand what smoking does to me. It takes away my time with my kids, my motivation, my money, my health, my freedom. It’s become associated with all aspects of my daily life and I hate it!!!! I. Hate. It.
(Breathe in. Breathe out.)
So, tomorrow is day 1 again. Because I’m not giving in and I’m not giving up. I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I deserve to live free from addiction. This is the first time I’ve ever sought support in my quit. This is also the first time I’ve been open with those close to me that I’m quitting (heaven forbid I fail and they find out and judge me!) and so I shared with my peeps that I smoked and got nothing but love and support.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me.