Scares the @#$% out of me....

I have set my quit date for the 13th of June 2016, I had cut down to about 1/2 a pack a day gradually over time. Now I am down to about 4 a day. I have always thought I was ten feet tall and bullet proof, thinking "it will never effect me". Well my balloon was popped a few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with COPD, that reality really kicked me in the gut. My Grandfather had died from complications of emphysema at the age of 75. The Dr. gave me a very grim prognosis if I were not to quit smoking. The really stupid part was, if I were being totally honest with myself I have had symptoms for a few years now but had kept putting it off to the job I was doing and the inactivity that comes with it.

46 years ago I had a babysitter get me started smoking so that I would not tattle on her and it just went from there. Sneaking smokes every chance I got, smoking butts left behind by my stepfather and once I was getting an allowance, buying my own. I am very ashamed to say I even continued smoking through both of my pregnancies. I really didn't give it much thought at the time and realize now that this selfish act might be the very reason both of my kids smoke now.

This one thing has been the only real constant in my life, it has always been there to comfort me, to soothe my jagged nerves, when celebrating, when I was bored, when I wanted to avoid situations (leaving the area to go smoke) and just to be the cool tough person that didn't get her feathers ruffled.........It has been such a crutch!!!

I am a very strong person in so many ways and hate the fact I have felt as though I had little or no control over this situation. I hate the fact that my beautiful babies have also succumbed to this terrible vise and I definitely played a part in this during their formative years.

I WILL show my babies that I can practice what I have been preaching and that it is never too late.
I WILL be the healthiest I can be under the circumstances.
I AM scared of being "without" but I am bigger than this.
I WILL be back to read this when I am faltering on my resolve.............This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but, so worth it...................... I WILL go forward one day at a time, each new day will be only 24 hours of quitting. I WILL worry only about getting through that day!

I have always told my kids to make assessments of the risks and benefits of things that scared them, if the benefits out-way the risks, take a deep breath and move forward. Now I must practice what I have been saying to them for years. IT IS MY TIME TO MOVE FORWARD!!!
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Scares the @#$% out of me....